The world regularly teaches us ways to consume in our relationships rather than contributing to them. How, then, can we teach our kids to become contributors rather than consumers?
Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
What does real love mean? And what are ways that we can teach our children how to genuinely love others?
A few years ago, on my son’s first day of junior high, I drove him to school. For most, junior high tends to successfully land some emotional and mental punches in our histories and self-perceptions. I remember talking about some of his exciting anticipations and his constricting worries. I also vividly remember the charge I gave him to be a noticer and builder of people that first day.
He later told me that he found a boy in the lunchroom sitting alone and sat with him. This boy loved the fact that Alex was a friend to him in junior high. The boy’s mom later told my wife that Alex had made a profound difference in this boy’s life throughout junior high. He has become a contributor in the rolling credits within some of his peers’ lives.
All of us tend to be consumers by nature. We view relationships as transactions and consuming as powerful. Even if we don’t put it in these exact words, our attitude is often, “I’ll love you if you love me back.” This is more about having control, guarantees, and power.
However, that is not real love. One of the most significant ways to love another person is by contributing to their lives, regardless of whether we benefit from it. This could be seen as weak in culture, but it is actually trustworthy, strong, and courageous love. Consider Paul, James, and Peter’s words to the church. They used the word “servant.” To serve means to love through not only your actions but your intentions and thoughts. To have an identity as a servant of Christ gives the internal building blocks to serve others without expectation. Being a consumer is actually easier and less courageous than being a contributor. I have enjoyed teaching young men how their sensitivity and compassion toward others can be quite powerful and masculine in the context of being profound, trustworthy contributors in others’ lives.
Jesus instructs us in the Bible to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39). And what better demonstration of what real love is than Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and rising again so that we could have a relationship with Him? His actions were the ultimate contribution to each of our lives and one that continues every day.
God calls each of us to be contributors within His kingdom and in the lives of others. In fact, humanity began as contributors within the Garden of Eden. Sin turned Adam and Eve into consumers, which created self-preservation, blame, and self-protection. In Philippians 2:4, it says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.” That is unnatural and difficult, yet deeply loving and trustworthy. God has given us what we need for our minds to shape our brain’s selfish tendencies toward love.
Teaching our kids to be contributors within their relationships will take grace and patience. It will show them how to love others through their intentions, thoughts, words, and actions for the rest of their lives. Philippians 2:5 goes on to say, “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.” The key in this verse is that we can direct our minds toward this end by having it influenced through a vibrant relationship with Christ.
Unfortunately, the world regularly teaches us ways to consume in the endless and futile pursuit of happiness, safety, control, power, and pleasure in our relationships. How, then, can we teach our kids to become contributors rather than consumers? First, let’s take a look at the characteristics of each type of person.
In my experience as a father, therapist, and researcher, I have found distinct differences between kids who are contributors and those who are consumers, even though, many times, they look very similar externally. Kids in both categories can be friendly, pleasant, and respectful. In other words, on the outside, they can look quite similar. However, here are a few characteristics that stand out.
Kids who are consumers often:
On the other hand, children who are contributors:
Contributor children look beyond their own perspective to love others and try to genuinely see the world from other people’s perspectives. This requires confidence because real love comes with risks such as betrayal, rejection, and pain. Contributors love others without always looking for something in return or seeking self-protection (which is what the original story of St. Valentine was all about).
Kids with a contributor mindset tend to have more internal peace and better, more secure long-lasting relationships with others. Kids who have a consumer mindset will tend to focus on gratification, pleasure, and self-protection rather than growth. This focus can lead to disappointment and lack of contentment in their relationships.
Notice the differences between the two types of people listed above. Can you see why it’s critical to demonstrate real love to our kids and teach them how to love others by being contributors? In fact, I would venture to guess that you desire the life-long effects for your child and their relationships through a contributor mindset over the effects of a consumer mindset.
There are six core things that you will need to do to help your children develop a contributor mindset:
Humility is a foundational character trait for all relationships. If you model humility for your kids, chances are, they will behave similarly. I recommend doing a study on humility and to search for practical ways to practice this posture toward life and relationships. Humility begins through the way we listen and think about others.
Learning empathy early in life leads to more significant connections and deeper relationships later in life. It is a valuable skill for your child to learn at an early age. What is it like to be with you? Do you take time to try to genuinely understand your child’s emotional and thought world? A child learns empathy through how you treat and interact with him or her, as well as the rest of God’s creation.
Teach your kids to notice their own motives, intentions, and their thought bubbles. Read Psalm 139:23-24. Also, help them see the worth and value of other people and ways to build in others through their genuinely encouraging words. Jesus was a noticer of the broken and unloved. I recommend reading through the Gospels with the lens of seeing Jesus as noticer and builder. Let’s be more like Jesus.
At its best, work is love in action. Use work as an opportunity to teach kids about responsibility, service, and perseverance. Kids can learn to see chores as a practical way to love and serve others, and become contributors.
Being patient with your kids and circumstances in general will model this trait for your children. Patience will yield benefits in all areas of your child’s life, including future finances, sexuality, and relationships. Patience gives you the ability to see ways to contribute to others. People feel loved when people are patient with them, imperfections and all.
Courage helps build self-confidence and the ability to stand alone when necessary. Courageous contributors demonstrate real love and do what is right without the approval and affirmation of others. Teach your kids to be courageous in their love through grace and forgiveness toward others. Teach them to show love when it’s hard to give. Do you and your spouse model this courageous and vulnerable love?
Let’s look at some practical actions you and your children can do together to grow as contributors. Here are some places to start:
A few years ago, my daughter decided to make sticky notes to put on everyone’s locker in her junior high school. She wrote encouraging quotes, words, prayers on each of the more than 300 sticky notes. My daughter came up with this creative idea independently, and I loved watching as she involved some of her friends in this endeavor without needing to be noticed for it. She wanted others in her school to be encouraged and feel loved.
Take time to reflect on some ways to create a genuine contributor mindset in your children rather than well-behaved consumers. These ten practical ways can help your kids learn how to love others by contributing to their lives. What other ideas can you come up with for your children?
If you practice and consistently apply the seven traits of effective parenting, you will be well on your way to raising contributors rather than consumers. You can start your personal growth by taking the free assessment.
Dr. Daniel Huerta is Vice President of Parenting and Youth for Focus on the Family, overseeing the ministry’s initiatives that equip moms and dads with biblical principles and counsel for raising healthy, resilient children rooted in a thriving faith.
He is a psychologist, a licensed clinical social worker, and the author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting. For many years, he has provided families with practical, biblically-based and research-based parenting advice on topics including media discernment, discipline, communication, mental health issues, conflict resolution, and healthy sexuality in the home. He is passionate about coming alongside parents as they raise contributors, instead of consumers, in a culture desperately in need of God’s kingdom.
Dr. Huerta has been interviewed by various media outlets including Fox News, Fatherly, Christianity Today, WORLD Magazine, and CBN, and he is a frequent guest on Christian radio stations across the nation. He’s also written for publications, including The Washington Post, on various topics related to marriage and parenting. He participated in the development of Focus on the Family’s Launch Into the Teen Years, a resource to help parents prepare their kids for adolescence, and he speaks regularly at retreats, conventions, and online events.
Dr. Huerta has maintained a private practice in Colorado Springs, Colorado since 2003 and has served families through Focus on the Family since 2004. He and his wife, Heather, have been married since 1997 and love being parents to their three teen children, Alex, Lexi, and Maci.
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